The Talk

I was 18 the first time I fell in love.

When I was in high school I was a very different person from the woman I am today. I was straight edge, I loved Jesus (I still do, but I show it in a much different way now), I went to Jesus camp, I thought I would never touch alcohol, and I didn't believe in premarital sex.

When I was 16 I met a boy. He was 20 and the ex-boyfriend of my best-friend-at-the-time's older sister. We met while I was sleeping over said friend's house. At a subsequent sleepover we ended up fooling around a little (and I mean a little). From there we ended up talking on AIM all the time and arranging secret meet-ups. I say secret because neither of us told our friends about it and I always had to lie to my mom about where I was going. We would hang out and talk and eventually end up hooking up and then he'd drive me home. We always went to neutral locations. This went on for two years.

In August of 2004 he took me to a bar. I had just turned 18 and still didn't drink. We played pool (a sport at which I was and still am dreadful), he made fun of me, and kissed me in public for the first time. I fell in love for the first and only time that night.

I left for college 8 hours away one week later. Because of the distance and the fact that we'd never talked about our feelings for each other I just assumed he'd move on, and I came to grips with that. But he started calling and texting and he'd ask when I was coming home and he'd countdown the days. When I came home for Thanksgiving, he invited me to a bonfire with him and a few friends, and he introduced me and held my hand and kissed me in front of them.

I went back to school. And the next time I came home was Christmas break. He took me to a party at his best friend's house and taught me how to play poker. His friends liked me and I liked them, and best of all he treated me like I was his girlfriend. I lost my virginity that night.

I went back to school yet again, and this pattern continued until the summer. I remember vividly the first time we saw each other for the first time after the school year ended. We walked around in a park, went to a convenience store and bought a deck of cards that we never actually played with, and walked around some more. We made wishes with pennies in a fountain and a set of sprinklers turned on on us and we laughed. When I went home the next morning I decided that the next time I saw him I would tell him that I loved him.

Three days later myspace informed me he was in a relationship. It was not with me. We didn't speak for almost a year.

After that year passed he texted me out of the blue and eventually we ended up hanging out and hooking up again. This went on until about a year and a half ago. It was then that I decided our relationship was unhealthy because I was so attached and he was so not. So I started distancing myself, but my willpower wasn't always strong enough leading to my very hot and cold temperament with him.

I'd been good, though. I didn't see him for around 6 months until he texted me one day asking if I could pick him up and "watch a movie" because he had a flat tire. It was the midnight and I was just getting off work, so I agreed to pick him up, but refused to "watch a movie". We had awkward conversation in the car and informed me he was moving 800 miles away. He hugged me goodbye and thanked me for the ride. That was the last time I saw him before he left.

About a week ago we had "the talk". It went like this:

#1: [Abruptly] do you know you texted me that you love me a couple weeks ago?

me: i don't recall, but i don't doubt that i did. was it a late hour?

#1: yes

#1: you were drunk

#1: you dont doubt it>?

me: i don't doubt that i texted you that.

#1: so you love me?

#1:

me: loved. yes.

#1: oh used to?
#1: no more love for me?

me: i mean sure as a friend.

#1: well i loved you too

Since #1 is the only person I've ever loved I always wondered if I imagined it. I'd almost convinced myself that I was just young and naive and maybe it wasn't really love at all. The conversation went on and leads me to believe that he is still in love with me. I fell our of love with him several months ago, and doubt I'll ever feel the same about him as I once did, but I was so glad to have those feelings validated. I really do know what love is.

So at the beginning of January I signed up for eHarmony....mostly out of boredom and curiosity. I had no intentions of actually meeting anyone. I think my plans are changing. I've been talking to this guy for just a little while, and he's asked to go on a date, and I'm thinking I might just go with it. He seems like a very nice guy. He's a Met's fan. He's pretty cute. He seems like he's got a good head on his shoulders. He uses good grammar. All of these are good things, so I figure there's no harm in going on a date. He's from ************, which is not too far, but not too close either. If things don't work out or he's psycho or awful, I doubt I'd ever run into him. So we'll see where this goes. He's leaving for vacation on Tuesday and wants to get together before then...which means Saturday or Sunday. The latter is ideal. And its also good he's going on vacation too, so I won't have to worry about when to call or when he'll call or when we should go out again, should the first date be successful. I'm feel moderately positive about this. I'm nervous for his phone call though. I'll be at work tomorrow, so its likely that I'll end up having to call him back, which isn't the most ideal situation, but whatever.

Last night I went out drinking with some friends and it was fun. I really miss my friends and it kills me that life isn't how it was in college. I mean I knew it would be different, but not this different. I feel so detached from everyone sometimes and I know its not going to get any better until retirement. I thought working full time and not having to worry about papers and deadlines or anything really once I left work would be a life improvement. Turns out I'd take those late nights spent meeting deadlines that I'd procrastinated on any day over what my life has turned into. All the Coach does make things a little better. Only a little though.

At any rate, I am beyond itching for vacation. I can hardly contain myself. It's all I think about, and frankly its the only thing that keeps me going. This may seem crazy, but I really feel like even when I'm not seeing my friends so frequently, baseball season just makes my life a whole lot brighter. Its amazing how a sport, that I don't even play; that I have no control over the outcome makes my life a million times better. Its inexplicable.

Oh. I forgot to finish my thought about last night. I had a good time at an old spot that I'd previously grown sick of. I think I'm in love with one of my very, very close friends. Its weird because people have been telling us lately that we'd make a cute couple or that we should date. It's all of a sudden and out of the blue. Everyone left to go home or to bed last night, and it was just me and him up and we had a nice talk for a couple hours. He's so sweet. He made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I shared a story about pb&j from nursery school. And then we went to sleep in like spooning position. But without physically touching. We talked about dating each other too. In a sort of dismissive way. And in the way that I just felt so comfortable with him because I knew he wouldn't try anything. He's really so sweet. And as much as I hate sharing a bed with anyone, I actually slept well and didn't mind even a tiny bit. Maybe its a sign. It's a shame...and a blessing, I suppose that I know that he's a terrible boyfriend. I feel this way about a lot of my friends, male and female. I don't really understand love. Like romantic love. Maybe because I've never really experienced it. But the love I feel for this guy is enough to make me want to marry him. I know it sounds strange, but the exact relationship we have right now is a relationship that I want to keep forever. And its one that I would want to solidify and celebrate. Like a marriage. Except I don't love him romantically. Not even a little. I have no desire to have sex with him or to kiss him or anything like that at all. But why isn't there like a sort of friendship marriage? I believe friendships are just as sacred and marital relationships. Why shouldn't the be celebrated? I guess its the monogamy thing.

Oh well. I'm rambling. I'm going to bed.