Bienvenidos a Miami!

I made it! I made the move from New Jersey, my home of 23 years to Miami. I arrived Saturday afternoon and I'm still deciding what to make of it. So far:

I love

• my apartment
• my internship
• the endless possibilities & opportunities I have being in a new city knowing absolutely no one.
• the fact that no one knows me

I like

• the heat
• spanish EVERYWHERE
• sitting poolside reading a book
  

I hate

• the torrential downpour that comes 3 times daily without any sort of warning.
• the frogs. They're cute during the day, but at night they make this horrific noise and since my apartment overlooks the pond I hear it all night long.
  
• the traffic
• and on that note...the drivers. People may complain about Jersey drivers, but never have I ever seen a car facing the wrong way on 95 in NJ. Number of times I've seen it in Miami since I arrived: 2.
• my friends/family aren't here and I miss my mommy.

It's too early to make any kind of judgment. I was in hysterics the first night. When I called my mom to say goodnight, I got all choked up and had to hang up abruptly to keep her from worrying. I haven't cried much since that first night though. It is somewhat overwhelming to think that there's not a soul in this city I can call a friend, but that will quickly change I'm sure. I'm full of optimism.

Pepper and Ambien do NOT mix.

WARNING: This entry contains subject matter and language that may be disturbing to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

With my move to Miami a mere day away (part 1 at least), my anxiety has reached new levels making my insomnia 8372493 times worse than usual. My doctor prescribed me Ambien about 2 weeks ago. I tried it the night I picked it up from the pharmacy and it worked...I slept like a baby, but the next day I suffered from a killer headache and nausea that rivaled even my worst hangover. And it lasted until I went to bed again and woke up the following morning. Since that experience I've been reluctant to try again. But I realized I didn't follow the instructions which said to take the pill with a full glass of water. This time, I got in bed and swallowed the pill with water and sat up in bed finishing the bottle. (I realize this is more than a glass, but I didn't want to take any chances.) I tried with all my might to fight the sleep that the Ambien was forcing upon me in favor of finishing the bottle of water, but eventually it was too much to bear. With less than an ounce of water left, I put the Poland Spring bottle on my nightstand and began to settle into a comfortable sleeping position, when suddenly I am forced forward and without warning I begin spewing vomit. Panicked, I reach for the garbage can not far from my bed, but in my Ambien induced stupor, I knock it over and proceed to vomit some more with the trash can on its side.
My initial reaction is 'Shit! I just threw up my birth control and my Ambien. I'm going to get pregnant and I'll be up all night.' My second reaction is 'I need to clean up this mess...I can't believe there was no warning that I was going to vom.' This thought motivates me to get out of bed and proceed to the linen closet to get a towel to clean up my mess. Except the instant I step out of bed, my reaction is 'Fuck, I'm sleepy.' I stumble clumsily to the linen closet and grab what feels like a towel. I have to use my sense of touch since I literally can't keep my eyes open. After bumping into the door ways I make it back to my room and kneel down to clean up the disgusting mess. I fall backwards. I wake up at 4 am...three hours later...on the floor...with a pile of vom at my feet. Good thing I fell backwards.

I did clean up the vom just after I woke at 4, right after I caught my bearings and went back to sleep (in my bed the second time). I still had horrible feelings of headache and nausea all day today.

I had been in the middle of a text conversation with #1, while I was finishing that bottle of water. My end of the convo went like this:

12:53am: Okidl watitk news so de
12:55am: Wrathh 4 ? Entryip tut

It's pretty clear at this point that Ambien is just not for me. Not sleeping is definitely beats that horrific experience.

The Talk

I was 18 the first time I fell in love.

When I was in high school I was a very different person from the woman I am today. I was straight edge, I loved Jesus (I still do, but I show it in a much different way now), I went to Jesus camp, I thought I would never touch alcohol, and I didn't believe in premarital sex.

When I was 16 I met a boy. He was 20 and the ex-boyfriend of my best-friend-at-the-time's older sister. We met while I was sleeping over said friend's house. At a subsequent sleepover we ended up fooling around a little (and I mean a little). From there we ended up talking on AIM all the time and arranging secret meet-ups. I say secret because neither of us told our friends about it and I always had to lie to my mom about where I was going. We would hang out and talk and eventually end up hooking up and then he'd drive me home. We always went to neutral locations. This went on for two years.

In August of 2004 he took me to a bar. I had just turned 18 and still didn't drink. We played pool (a sport at which I was and still am dreadful), he made fun of me, and kissed me in public for the first time. I fell in love for the first and only time that night.

I left for college 8 hours away one week later. Because of the distance and the fact that we'd never talked about our feelings for each other I just assumed he'd move on, and I came to grips with that. But he started calling and texting and he'd ask when I was coming home and he'd countdown the days. When I came home for Thanksgiving, he invited me to a bonfire with him and a few friends, and he introduced me and held my hand and kissed me in front of them.

I went back to school. And the next time I came home was Christmas break. He took me to a party at his best friend's house and taught me how to play poker. His friends liked me and I liked them, and best of all he treated me like I was his girlfriend. I lost my virginity that night.

I went back to school yet again, and this pattern continued until the summer. I remember vividly the first time we saw each other for the first time after the school year ended. We walked around in a park, went to a convenience store and bought a deck of cards that we never actually played with, and walked around some more. We made wishes with pennies in a fountain and a set of sprinklers turned on on us and we laughed. When I went home the next morning I decided that the next time I saw him I would tell him that I loved him.

Three days later myspace informed me he was in a relationship. It was not with me. We didn't speak for almost a year.

After that year passed he texted me out of the blue and eventually we ended up hanging out and hooking up again. This went on until about a year and a half ago. It was then that I decided our relationship was unhealthy because I was so attached and he was so not. So I started distancing myself, but my willpower wasn't always strong enough leading to my very hot and cold temperament with him.

I'd been good, though. I didn't see him for around 6 months until he texted me one day asking if I could pick him up and "watch a movie" because he had a flat tire. It was the midnight and I was just getting off work, so I agreed to pick him up, but refused to "watch a movie". We had awkward conversation in the car and informed me he was moving 800 miles away. He hugged me goodbye and thanked me for the ride. That was the last time I saw him before he left.

About a week ago we had "the talk". It went like this:

#1: [Abruptly] do you know you texted me that you love me a couple weeks ago?

me: i don't recall, but i don't doubt that i did. was it a late hour?

#1: yes

#1: you were drunk

#1: you dont doubt it>?

me: i don't doubt that i texted you that.

#1: so you love me?

#1:

me: loved. yes.

#1: oh used to?
#1: no more love for me?

me: i mean sure as a friend.

#1: well i loved you too

Since #1 is the only person I've ever loved I always wondered if I imagined it. I'd almost convinced myself that I was just young and naive and maybe it wasn't really love at all. The conversation went on and leads me to believe that he is still in love with me. I fell our of love with him several months ago, and doubt I'll ever feel the same about him as I once did, but I was so glad to have those feelings validated. I really do know what love is.