"I want to help people."

Yesterday was my last day of work. I had been dreading it, mainly because of the "hot seat" ritual. At my job when a client is positively discharged from the program or when a staff member leaves the company on good terms, we hold a hot seat and dinner. Hot seat is where the person leaving is the center of attention and everyone in the room (both clients and staff) say some final words to the person leaving and the person leaving says something to everyone else. It's a nice part of closure, but I generally dislike being the center of attention and was worried about what I would say so one particular client who I find to be a vile human being. I was also worried about what the girls would have to say to me too. I begged my supervisor not to make me have one. But I did. And now I'm so glad I did. Everyone (save that aforementioned client) had extremely nice things to say about me. Almost everyone cried and almost everyone said I really made a difference to them. My supervisor and my favorite coworker broke down in tears. But what meant more was the girls telling me how important I was in their progress.

I am not well paid. I will never be rich doing what I do. I work the worst hours and sometimes miss out on big events with friends and family. I get cursed out at work at least 3 times a week. I cry at least bimonthly because of work. I get physical bruises from restraining clients. In all the day to day bullshit that goes on at work, I sometimes forget why I chose this career path. There are so many times when I would be mid-crisis hold and think, sitting in an office from 9-5 would be so much easier. And it would be. The other thought that would always fill my mind is Am I really making a difference?

Yesterday I was reminded that what I do really, really matters and all the money in the world could NEVER compare to the feeling of knowing that because I exist, the world really is a better place.

And now for my next trick....

I am definitely developing insomnia. This is a real problem, as I need to be extraordinarily productive in the coming weeks and I'm finding I have less and less energy. Fortunately many of the tasks I need to complete involve shopping, which is a strong motivator. The less fun things on my list (room cleaning, laundry, scheduling doctor's appointments, pharmacy runs, learning to cook, etc.) are not getting done. On top of that, I'm finding spending time with my friends a chore, which is a horrible thing to have happen. I'm just so damn tired all the time. I have got to find a way to fall asleep before 6 am. Or at least a way to make the time I spend awake productive.

Well I officially have six days left of work. My last day is Thursday and we still haven't told the girls. Speaking of the girls...Today I took two clients to their doctor's appointments. One client (LY) was just going for her initial physical. The other (JG, a challenging client as she is severely cognitively limited unlike any of our other clients) went because she had been complaining of pain in her ear for the past few days. The two clients and myself are in with the doctor when the doctor looks in JG's ear. The doctor says "what is that in there?" and asks me to come look. Its white, so I ask JG if she'd been using Qtips to clean her ears. JG said yes, and everyone in the room agreed the foreign object stuck in her ear was probably a piece of cotton. The doctor attempted to get the cotton out with a pair of tweezers, but was unsuccessful as it was too far into JG's ear canal. At this point, Doc had no choice but to flush out her ear. I've had this done before and warned JG that this is an uncomfortable experience, but the process will relieve the discomfort she'd been feeling. The nurse came in and began the process. Sixteen year old JG began to scream and cry and knock things over in much the same manner as the 8 year old boy reacted to a shot. We'd previously concluded that the little boy was too old to be reacting so violently. The process ended, fortunately without major injury. The object was still lodged in JG's ear, but was pushed out far enough for the doctor to grab with the tweezers. The object is removed, and the following is unveiled:

Sadly in my wild fit of laughter, I was unable to hold the phone steady enough to take a clear picture. But that, my friends is a gum wrapper. With a tiny piece of green (probably spearmint) gum inside. How the gum wrapper got inside JG's ear? The world may never know.

Nobody likes you when you're 23.

So I started an entry a little while ago saying that my new mantra is "class promiscuity". I think there's a reason I never finished it. I'm moving to Miami next month...maybe I'll change my ways then. For now, I'm enjoying every minute of slutdom.

Its a shame I haven't been keeping up with this, because if I had, you'd know that for the past 3 weeks I'd been stressing about my birthday celebration. A friend and I have the same birthday and for the past three years we've been having joint birthdays, but this year we were having major disagreements over a venue.

Well I was mad, but Paco picked the best place ever. Open bar, 8th grade dance music, and a really fun crowd. Oh, did I mention open bar? That might explain why despite having a hotel room mere blocks from the bar, I woke up in Brooklyn. It might also explain why when I texted my two friends who were supposed to be staying in the hotel with me to find out what time check out was, one responded, "I don't know, I'm in Hoboken" and there other said, "Where are you, I'm in Jersey City". It was a trifecta of sorts. According to Blink 182, nobody likes you when you're 23...I'm finding, people like me more. I'm hoping that was the start to an excellent year. I want to be single forever.

Redirection is my middle name.

I am beyond stressed. I have a million bazillion things to do and I can't seem to get a single one of them done because I'm too busy focusing on how stressed out I am. I need to make a list. Organization is not my strong suit however. And its not helping that the annoying brats at work are making me want to pull my hair out (clients & staff). I could write an incident report in my sleep. I practically do already. Today, I read the Wikipedia article for "going postal" (yes, wiki is the bomb diggity). I hope I never go postal. I really, really hope.

So work is really stressful right now obviously. I'm really beginning to hate the sound of my own name. I don't know who in their right mind promotes a 22 year old to supervisor of a building of 13 oppositional defiant, bipolar, slutty, nasty, bitchy, catty, mean, violent, crazy, teenage girls. Hell, I was said teen merely 5 years ago. But that's all I have to say about work for now.

On top of this new promotion, I'm attempting to get things in order for my transition into grad school and my move from Jersey (my home for all 22 years) to Miami (where I know exactly zero people). In addition to logistics (place to live, job, money, hurricanes, friends, how I'll watch Mets games, auto train, etc.) I'm having major separation anxiety. I'm so hot and cold with my poor mom because I'm going to miss her like the desert misses rain. All of this and its still 3 1/2 months before the big move.

In conclusion, I need to make a list. Organization is not my strong suit. Nor is cooking.

So at the beginning of January I signed up for eHarmony....mostly out of boredom and curiosity. I had no intentions of actually meeting anyone. I think my plans are changing. I've been talking to this guy for just a little while, and he's asked to go on a date, and I'm thinking I might just go with it. He seems like a very nice guy. He's a Met's fan. He's pretty cute. He seems like he's got a good head on his shoulders. He uses good grammar. All of these are good things, so I figure there's no harm in going on a date. He's from ************, which is not too far, but not too close either. If things don't work out or he's psycho or awful, I doubt I'd ever run into him. So we'll see where this goes. He's leaving for vacation on Tuesday and wants to get together before then...which means Saturday or Sunday. The latter is ideal. And its also good he's going on vacation too, so I won't have to worry about when to call or when he'll call or when we should go out again, should the first date be successful. I'm feel moderately positive about this. I'm nervous for his phone call though. I'll be at work tomorrow, so its likely that I'll end up having to call him back, which isn't the most ideal situation, but whatever.

Last night I went out drinking with some friends and it was fun. I really miss my friends and it kills me that life isn't how it was in college. I mean I knew it would be different, but not this different. I feel so detached from everyone sometimes and I know its not going to get any better until retirement. I thought working full time and not having to worry about papers and deadlines or anything really once I left work would be a life improvement. Turns out I'd take those late nights spent meeting deadlines that I'd procrastinated on any day over what my life has turned into. All the Coach does make things a little better. Only a little though.

At any rate, I am beyond itching for vacation. I can hardly contain myself. It's all I think about, and frankly its the only thing that keeps me going. This may seem crazy, but I really feel like even when I'm not seeing my friends so frequently, baseball season just makes my life a whole lot brighter. Its amazing how a sport, that I don't even play; that I have no control over the outcome makes my life a million times better. Its inexplicable.

Oh. I forgot to finish my thought about last night. I had a good time at an old spot that I'd previously grown sick of. I think I'm in love with one of my very, very close friends. Its weird because people have been telling us lately that we'd make a cute couple or that we should date. It's all of a sudden and out of the blue. Everyone left to go home or to bed last night, and it was just me and him up and we had a nice talk for a couple hours. He's so sweet. He made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I shared a story about pb&j from nursery school. And then we went to sleep in like spooning position. But without physically touching. We talked about dating each other too. In a sort of dismissive way. And in the way that I just felt so comfortable with him because I knew he wouldn't try anything. He's really so sweet. And as much as I hate sharing a bed with anyone, I actually slept well and didn't mind even a tiny bit. Maybe its a sign. It's a shame...and a blessing, I suppose that I know that he's a terrible boyfriend. I feel this way about a lot of my friends, male and female. I don't really understand love. Like romantic love. Maybe because I've never really experienced it. But the love I feel for this guy is enough to make me want to marry him. I know it sounds strange, but the exact relationship we have right now is a relationship that I want to keep forever. And its one that I would want to solidify and celebrate. Like a marriage. Except I don't love him romantically. Not even a little. I have no desire to have sex with him or to kiss him or anything like that at all. But why isn't there like a sort of friendship marriage? I believe friendships are just as sacred and marital relationships. Why shouldn't the be celebrated? I guess its the monogamy thing.

Oh well. I'm rambling. I'm going to bed.